Monday, March 6, 2017

Counting to Fifteen

Being in the closet is hard af. And don't we all know that. Oftentimes, we are forced to hide behind some form of being 'normal' so that we can do the things we love. For example, why not go on a date with girl, so that I'll be able to hold someone's hand while walking, kiss someone on the shoulder while having coffee, watch date movies with someone, eat candle-lit dinners, attend weddings with, etc.

So to try being happy, i go out with guys. and how it has failed over and over again. and most of my blog posts are about that. and it's usually my way of coping that's why i write. the last relationship i had fucked me up big time. i havent been single for this long. and i dont know if ill be able to find another one.. who can sweep me off my feet.. and not settle only so that i just have someone around.

so i begin to date. no expectations. see where it goes. but i cant seem to find myself giving my best to maintain the relationship. i don't necessarily do things to fuck things up, but with the first sign i see something bad, all hope is lost. im now afraid to compromise, to exert much effort, to make a fool out of myself again... just to waste it on heartbreak after a while.

and one thing ive also noticed is that i say the word 'i love you' quite loosely nowadays. maybe i say it because the other says it. or to make them feel good. but it has lost all its meaning to me now. i still cant believe that you can say 'i love you' and then one fight, everything's gone. maybe it's pride. but maybe, it isn't really love.

so maybe that's just it.

maybe i should just date a girl.

and get married.

unless you come along and bring me out of misery. so im counting to fifteen, counting to fifteen, counting to fifteen.


The truth runs wild
Like a tear down a cheek
Trying to save face, and daddy heart break
I'm lying through my teeth
This voice inside
Has been eating at me
Trying to replace the love that I fake
With what we both need
The truth runs wild
Like kids on concrete
Trying to sedate, my mind in its cage
And numb what I see
Awake, wide eyed
I'm screaming at me
Trying to keep faith and picture his face
Staring up at me
Without losing a piece of me
How do I get to heaven?
Without changing a part of me
How do I get to heaven?
All my time is wasted
Feeling like my heart's mistaken, oh
So if I'm losing a piece of me
Maybe I don't want heaven?

Monday, January 2, 2017

Looking for My Zero.. or my Jude

I've been binge - watching this series called "Hit The Floor" during the holidays. It's basically a show about basketball, and cheerdancers, and all in between. There are more sex scenes than what you see in Grey's Anatomy. It's their way of saying 'i love you', 'i miss you', ' i care for you' or even just 'hey'. haha im not complaining though, the bodies on display are a treat. and the lies, alliances, and back stabbing would rival that of "Scandal" and any typical pinoy soap, without being overly dramatic (which i like, to be honest). keeps the story moving fast.

and.. to top it all off. there's a gay couple. which i became instantly a fan of. and how their story started, and developed, and how they became strong. what was nice was that they werent introduced as 'gay characters'. it just sort of happened. Zero (haha my next dog is going to be named Zero) - the good looking jock, and Jude - the boy-next-door agent. Jude always had Zero's back, as his agent. but i was quite surprised it came to that extent. to my delight, of course. Zero, was initially holding back (being in the closet), but had a what-the-fuck moment and kissed Jude in front of the cameras.

I can't help it but feel like i wish i had my own Zero. Having the cool guy attitude towards all of it, someone to tone down all the drama this world has, and make me feel safe with everything. And with that face and body to boot, seems awesome! Then i realize, im Zero. Im the one who cant go all out, and the one who wants to keep it hush hush. Im the one who wants to remain hidden, selfish enough for making my exes do it, and the one who has a who-gives-a-fuck attitude when it comes to relationships. Maybe i need a Jude and someone to push me whenever i need pushing. or even when i dont think i need to be pushed.

and then they have these lines... that in a weird way, seems sappy and sweet. haha

hay. one can only dream. and then make one's own story.

Friday, December 2, 2016

Spring Cleaning

So it's nearly the end of the year, and a big project that ive been doing for the past few years is coming to close. it is comforting that this chapter of my life is done, and i know that i did it well. but it's also scary.. with all the ups and downs my love life (or the lack of it..) has given me, this project is what sort of got me through. even during the times i was hurting, or sad and lonely, i knew that work was something i could depend on. and it will get me occupied throughout the day, being able to avoid hurting. but it is ending soon.

i took a break from work recently. and have started cleaning my place. throwing a lot of things i wont be needing anymore because of my project will be done in a few days. and ive been thinking, should i start cleaning up my life too? starting maybe with my phone and social media accounts. just get things out of the way. and hopefully, start anew.

ive tried dating. but no one seems able to sweep me off my feet entirely. ive found someone good in bed, good in dating, good conversationalist, good to travel with, etc. but not all in the same person. ive tried giving each a chance, but for some reason, it's just not working.

maybe ive been treating my love life like i treat my work. because ive gotten to a certain position at work, i can demand for certain things that i want. and anything less just wont cut it. and ive treated dating the same way. i feel like ive earned the right to demand for things from the other person. and anything less just wont cut it.

but is it really like that? have i really earned it? maybe that's the reason why im single. and i might be for a long time.

Thursday, August 4, 2016

An Open Letter for Someone from the Past

I am writing this because I don't know if ill be able to talk to you again. And I think I need this release of sorts. To get things off my chest… because frankly, theyre kind of getting heavy now. And it shouldn't be. And I shouldn't let it. 

I guess it’s pretty clear now that whatever we have is over. Whatever that is. But I think that at least you should have had the decency (?) or the balls (?) or even the respect to talk to me. Or to tell me that it is. For what, you may ask? I guess it says more a lot about you than it is about me. 

For someone to whom you say the words “i love you” and virtually kisses several times a day, dropping me like that seemed kind of easy for you. Either you did not mean those three words really in every sense of the word.. or youre just being a jerk and this is how you act. I guess when you say you love someone, you don't just drop them when there “a lot of things” on your plate. 

I don't know how troubled your past is or how someone has hurt you.. But your sense of self preservation is pretty strong. But then again, when they say that you love someone, you share a little bit of yourself with the other. And that's how exactly how I am now with you. Ive started to care for you.. started to let you into my life little by little.  So you know, it kind of sucks how im feeling right now. 

Ive always joked (half meaning it) that im not really so sure with you. That there’s this funny feeling that you’ll just break my heart in the end. And I was hopeful I would be proved wrong. But there. 

And again, I don’t know. It’s as if youre hiding behind your work. And that what I would’ve wanted to say is “you could’ve at least tried”. But then again, maybe because it’s not me that you really want. 

Youre intelligent, I gotta give you that. And maybe all the guys you've dated you could manipulate intellectually. And that maybe you met your match when you met me (as you've told me). As argumentative as you are (because of your profession), you've met someone who calls bull as bull. And maybe it as too much for you that im hard to manipulate?. I don't know. I never got the answer. Maybe it was too much for your ego too. Someone 8 years your junior, who’s just starting to make a name for himself, is treating you like an equal. And that could be some scary shit too I admit. 

And as intelligent as you are, your emotional intelligence sucks big time. You may know yourself a lot. But you know, loving someone is being empathic with the other. Now, you don't only get to think about yourself. You have now to think of the other and how the other feels. If you do, or don’t do, something. 

So actually, what this whole episode with you has done to me is to shut me up. And be mature (?) about things. It’s hardened my heart more, for sure. And that doesn't seem to be a bad thing after all. 

To JC, here’s a glass of chilled Shiraz for you

I won't let you close enough to hurt me,
No, I won't rescue you to just desert me
I can't give you the heart you think you gave me
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables

Saturday, July 30, 2016


I saw Looking (the movie) the other day. and what the fuckkkk?! I wasnt really a fan of the show.. but i managed to watch the entire series. seeing what would happen to them. oftentimes, id find myself falling asleep or skipping parts when there's a lot of talking... but i digress.

I saw the movie. which is the ending and closure it needed after the finale of the second season, and the announcement that it is not coming back. but i digress again.

The reason i am writing this now is how much the movie gave me the feels... spot on. how much i hated what patrick did to himself and to others... only to realize that ive been doing the same things in my life. somehow, ive managed to fuck up everyone ive started to care for and have feelings for. and in the end, in trying to do self preservation, i end up being... alone.

On seeing and talking to exes again. ive always wondered what it would be like to seen an ex again. or someone i dated that didnt work out. i think id always have feelings for them. but hope that things would be like that again. but... it really doesnt work that way does it. we will never be friends. no matter how much we meant to each other at that time, my work mate will be closer to me than him. from now on. fucking up a relationship really really destroys it all.

Which brings me to another point. it's funny how someone who just said "i love you" to you a few days ago is someone you cant stand now. i think people use those three words quite loosely nowadays. where it doesnt mean a lot anymore. well maybe, it really doesnt.

Patrick transferred to another city. to start anew. and honestly, ive thought about that. and what the movie says is that.. when you come back, everything you left behind will keep crawling back. and somehow, it still hurts. and honestly, it's as if you didnt go away at all.

Ive thought about maintaining contacts with my exes and the people i dated which didnt work out. on the one end, i shouldve just cut them off because what the hell for? on the other end, i shouldnt because as they say, "may pinagsamahan" naman. but im so lost. having them in my life just leaves me wanting.. wanting to get back with them? or wanting to meet someone who can be what they used to be in my life?

I've tried to date, yes. And somehow, i cannot give my entire self again to someone. Always have had the funny feeling that theyd just break my heart in the end. and theres that satisfaction when it doesnt work.

So yeah. I guess the point im trying to make here is to just stop. Stop looking for someone new. Stop looking back. Just stop. Stop looking.