Thursday, February 15, 2018

Random Musings While I Wait

I am writing now to get some things off my mind. Or rather, so that I don't forget that these things have happened. Or crossed my mind. Or for safekeeping, if you must.

So... lawyer friend and I have been messaging everyday, and talking once or twice a week. Until now. So that makes it 6 weeks, without fail. And i should be grateful for that, right? Having some semblance of a 'lovelife' to speak of. It's what I'm trying to look for, basically. consistency, regularity, intellect, continued interest, and the feeling of always looking forward to the next message he sends. Am I 'settling' because I have nothing else? I'm not ready to answer that question at this time.

And then it was Vday. We were messaging. and syempre, nothing sweet or emo. and then he disappeared for a few hours. Again, nothing unusual. and then said 'Sorry. I was watching Call Me By Your Name". And then.. boom. That must be a date. who will watch that movie on Vday and not be on a date?

Then I start rationalizing again. Maybe to dispel thoughts that I know would make me sad. Rationalizing that hey.. he's allowed to date. we never really talked. and it's unfair actually if he 'sacrifices' with not having dates or sex while i'm away.. so i tried to reply. nonchalantly. 'Oh. How apt for a Vday movie date." then he says "date ka dyan. saw it on the TV." for some reason, that made me happy.. because i still live in that bubble where I assume there's no one else.

before the night ended, we talked. for almost an hour. and that made me happier. maybe this could work after all?

and the cynic comes out again and says you're just making yourself vulnerable again. which is absolutely true. so im back to.. wait and see where it goes. still hoping that it's towards something happy. 

Monday, January 22, 2018

In Exile

I begin this new year with everything new. Because of work, I am in a different country, set to live out my entire 2018 in this new place. Where there is a lot of new culture to embrace, new language to learn (or at least try to), and new food to stomach (again, at least try to). I know that one year is a short time. But a lot can happen, or not happen, in one year.

My career, although heading in the right direction, has lost its velocity. This move hopes to increase my market, allowing me to earn exponentially more once I finish this task. More importantly, there's professional satisfaction. But enough about that. I've talked to countless people regarding career moves.

This blog, as you know, is for my personal (including sexual) thoughts. It was 'easier' for me to move because I, technically, am not leaving someone behind. No SOMEONE. Been single for more than two years now. Tried dating. Each one failing. No one sustaining my interest (or the other way around). Tried re-dating guys from my past. Again each one making me realize why they did not work in the first place.

All these could be my fault. I keep asking myself if it is. And the conclusion I've arrived at is... YES. My standards are higher than before. and I keep on telling myself not to put them down. Then I realized maybe they're not standards. maybe they are walls... walls to keep me from getting hurt again I guess. or making myself vulnerable.

Before leaving, I had the chance to meet someone. Lawyer. yet again. So intellectually and professionally, we're at par. We would fleetingly message each other every night. And maybe talk on the phone every 2-3 nights until we both fall asleep. Talks would last hours and not notice it. But there were days that pass without us texting. Either i fall asleep before he can reply, or the other way around.

We saw each other once a week. twice if we're lucky. alternating between him going to my place, or me going to his. Usually just talk. then sex. then talk some more. meetings would last maybe about 4 hours since we usually meet at night after work. Sexually, compatible. not great, but satisfying. so it wasn't a problem.

And i think i saw a problem. he was not sweet/romantic. No good morning. No urging to eat lunch. No sweet nothings on the phone. I thought it was a problem because i was looking and yearning for it. then I realize that I'm him, a couple of years ago. So.. I thought it was okay.

Before I left, we went on 'dates'. Watched a movie. Ate out a couple of times. and a few times just hung out. watched a movie on the sofa, cuddled, etc without things ending with sex.

Things went on like this. and we both didn't notice it was already 3 months we were 'dating'?. I'm not even sure we were. Or it was just friends hanging out, having sex, and talking. He had a Christmas gift for me. And I had one for him too. My gut says not to think about it and just let it run its course. So I did. Until this big career move happened.

So it has been three weeks since I left. And now we still message each other everyday like old times. I get to call him once or twice a week. He knows my frustrations while I'm here, and the simple joys I discover here too. Once, I thanked him for helping me get through this. And more than once, he told me to just hang on.

I still don't know what we are. Or what I should expect. Maybe he meets and dates someone? And I may not ever know. Or in the event he tells me, it should be okay, right? But I don't think it will be. But he has every reason to do so. I mean, what's keeping him from doing so? Me? I don't think so.

So I guess I'm letting this run its course again. And see if our nightly messaging last a month? two? six? or a year? And it's not like I'm closing my doors to dating others too. There's just really no one here. Haha. So... wait and see? and focus on my career?

Sunday, December 10, 2017

The Thrill of It All

So Sam Smith released a new album while I was away. And the feels I got from it is rather, interesting. It makes you feel heartbroken.. all over again. Even if you do not have a love life to speak of at the moment.

As cliche as it is, and everyone seems to be just jumping on the bandwagon, Too Good At Goodbyes really resonates. Ive been pushing people away for three years now. And everytime I do it, the less that I cry and the quicker the tears dry.

As I was talking to someone recently, I have come to the realization that the words "I Love You" has lost its meaning, and its weight, to me. People have been saying it so loosely, that Ive managed to say it back loosely as well. Love, in the truest sense of the word, is something one fights for. You fight to stay together amidst all. Pride down. Complete trust in the other. But, sadly, no one, at least for the last few years, has meant it. And neither have I, I guess.

So it'll take a lot more for me to invest on someone. Invest time, and feelings, and all that sort. And IF, and that's a big IF, someone is able to shatter all these walls that I've built, then I guess he's worth letting in. But otherwise, me talking to different people, is just for the thrill of it all.


I know you're thinkin' I'm heartless
I know you're thinkin' I'm cold
I'm just protectin' my innocence
I'm just protectin' my soul

I'm never gonna let you close to me
Even though you mean the most to me
'Cause every time I open up, it hurts
So I'm never gonna get too close to you
Even when I mean the most to you
In case you go and leave me in the dirt

And every time you hurt me, the less that I cry
And every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry
And every time you walk out, the less I love you
Baby, we don't stand a chance, it's sad but it's true

Sunday, November 19, 2017

Big Apple Slut

I meant to write sooner but a major development in my career has gone and things are looking up. But this post is not about that. Nor anything emotional like my previous posts. This is going to be purely for libog's sake. Just so that I remember this day since the memory is slipping away. This was from one of my travels before.

I had a day in new york. A day. Just one day to do all my shopping for pasalubong since I'm going home the following day. But I just can't stop wondering if I'll be able to get some action before I leave. And a-c-t-i-o-n was what I got.

So it's a Sunday... and Sunday's in New York means i can do NYJ (see post on International Explosion). Yes, by no means does it compare to the experiences others do. But i have my reasons. I digress. More on that later.

So I'm using this Grindr-like app. And then suddenly, this asian dude suddenly tells me his place is free for the next hour. Can't believe it. Tall, with awesome body (abs, arms, and defined chest. not too big, but perfectly toned. body's not too hard, either. so it was nice to touch, hug, lick and do all sorts of stuff). Mixed Thai-American.

I got to his place. He lived right at midtown. Lucky dude. Damn cute. Hot. So with all my layers of jacket, backpack and shopping bags (hahaha i hope he forgives me, i was not prepared lol). But yeah. he started undressing me, as i undressed him. All i could say about his body was.. shit. Just the perfect kind I want. We kissed. He was really into me. Licking every part. EVERY PART. And yeah it was fun. Chatted for a bit while he got ready to go to the gym. As we went out of his condo, I leaned for a kiss. and we did. and then he said "You're in New York! We can kiss on the streets". I just laughed. So then we walked. Me towards 5th Ave to continue my pasalubong shopping, him towards the same direction. And after two blocks, he said he needed to catch a bus. So we hugged, and he kissed my right there on the street. Fuck. That was exciting.

Continued my shopping. And by around 530, headed to THE place. I wasnt expecting much now since im late (it starts at 4). And the action was full on. Groups and groups of people of all shapes and sizes and color. Some *new things I saw and got to play with during the "trip":
1. bukkake. imagine someone like Ben Bateman sitting or kneeling. with two guys playing with him on each side. him playing with several other more. wanting to receive every guy who cums in front of him. hot.
2. fit daddies. imagine Tomas Brand. the thing i like with this is that you can touch anyone. and it's up to them if they want to grope back or just let you be. and you can turn down people politely. unlike in bath houses.

then i saw MM. and he saw me. He looks like your typical surfer dude, in his late 20s or early 30s. my height. great hair. and damn those abs. so i smiled. he smiled back. we got closer. and kissed. kissed like theres no tomorrow. kissed like lovers. long time lovers.

and so i felt him up. he felt me up. we broke the kiss. but our noses and foreheads still stuck together. smiling. "you're cute". "you are too". smiled again. so when i reached down. fuck. f - u - c - k. FUCK. tang ina. this must be the largest, longest, thickest dick ive ever played with. my fingers dont reach as i grab it. two hands arent enough for its length. and damn was it smooth. fuck. i could not stop touching. and stroking. and being amazed. and unlike other big dicks, it was hard.

i wasnt even thinking what he must be thinking playing with mine. hahaha. i was enjoying too much to care. but he's still smiling. and kissing me. and playing with mine.

played with his balls. secretly played with his hole (it's not allowed in this environment). and our faces couldnt be separated. he pulled me to a corner so that we can be left alone. it was a mix of libog and kilig. people would try to join us. we would politely decline. or make sure our bodies are close together. or our arms around each other so no one can join.

whenever we transferred places, either to get lube or to go away from persistent parties, he'd hold my hand. leading me to wherever. i did the same. only to play again. sometimes, if a hot one comes along, we'd let them play with us. so there were three-way kisses. and maybe fourways. but he wouldnt let go of my dick. always. and i wouldnt let go of his body.

others would cum while playing with us. we'd go to the sink to wash it off. damn. this was hot. so finally he wants me to cum. i asked where. he told me to cum on his abs. fuck. we washed together again. then he tells me he wants it slow. and he wants to cum on my body too. we washed again. laughing. smiling. kissing.

then it was time for us to bid goodbyes. we both got dressed. we walked. and talked.. about Manila, and broadway, and lotteries, etc. was wholesome. his name was Mike. We walked maybe 4 blocks. he walked me to my hotel (fuck having a room mate!!). i walked him to the Penn Station. he gave me his whatsapp. hugged and kissed on the street (thats twice today huh). but this was one hell of a hot time. and no sucking nor fucking was even involved. what more?!

so i went home. took a bath. had dinner with my roommate. pretended that nothing interesting happened during the day. but my after-sex glow must be showing. lol.

Monday, March 6, 2017

Counting to Fifteen

Being in the closet is hard af. And don't we all know that. Oftentimes, we are forced to hide behind some form of being 'normal' so that we can do the things we love. For example, why not go on a date with girl, so that I'll be able to hold someone's hand while walking, kiss someone on the shoulder while having coffee, watch date movies with someone, eat candle-lit dinners, attend weddings with, etc.

So to try being happy, i go out with guys. and how it has failed over and over again. and most of my blog posts are about that. and it's usually my way of coping that's why i write. the last relationship i had fucked me up big time. i havent been single for this long. and i dont know if ill be able to find another one.. who can sweep me off my feet.. and not settle only so that i just have someone around.

so i begin to date. no expectations. see where it goes. but i cant seem to find myself giving my best to maintain the relationship. i don't necessarily do things to fuck things up, but with the first sign i see something bad, all hope is lost. im now afraid to compromise, to exert much effort, to make a fool out of myself again... just to waste it on heartbreak after a while.

and one thing ive also noticed is that i say the word 'i love you' quite loosely nowadays. maybe i say it because the other says it. or to make them feel good. but it has lost all its meaning to me now. i still cant believe that you can say 'i love you' and then one fight, everything's gone. maybe it's pride. but maybe, it isn't really love.

so maybe that's just it.

maybe i should just date a girl.

and get married.

unless you come along and bring me out of misery. so im counting to fifteen, counting to fifteen, counting to fifteen.


The truth runs wild
Like a tear down a cheek
Trying to save face, and daddy heart break
I'm lying through my teeth
This voice inside
Has been eating at me
Trying to replace the love that I fake
With what we both need
The truth runs wild
Like kids on concrete
Trying to sedate, my mind in its cage
And numb what I see
Awake, wide eyed
I'm screaming at me
Trying to keep faith and picture his face
Staring up at me
Without losing a piece of me
How do I get to heaven?
Without changing a part of me
How do I get to heaven?
All my time is wasted
Feeling like my heart's mistaken, oh
So if I'm losing a piece of me
Maybe I don't want heaven?