Sunday, December 10, 2017

The Thrill of It All

So Sam Smith released a new album while I was away. And the feels I got from it is rather, interesting. It makes you feel heartbroken.. all over again. Even if you do not have a love life to speak of at the moment.

As cliche as it is, and everyone seems to be just jumping on the bandwagon, Too Good At Goodbyes really resonates. Ive been pushing people away for three years now. And everytime I do it, the less that I cry and the quicker the tears dry.

As I was talking to someone recently, I have come to the realization that the words "I Love You" has lost its meaning, and its weight, to me. People have been saying it so loosely, that Ive managed to say it back loosely as well. Love, in the truest sense of the word, is something one fights for. You fight to stay together amidst all. Pride down. Complete trust in the other. But, sadly, no one, at least for the last few years, has meant it. And neither have I, I guess.

So it'll take a lot more for me to invest on someone. Invest time, and feelings, and all that sort. And IF, and that's a big IF, someone is able to shatter all these walls that I've built, then I guess he's worth letting in. But otherwise, me talking to different people, is just for the thrill of it all.


I know you're thinkin' I'm heartless
I know you're thinkin' I'm cold
I'm just protectin' my innocence
I'm just protectin' my soul

I'm never gonna let you close to me
Even though you mean the most to me
'Cause every time I open up, it hurts
So I'm never gonna get too close to you
Even when I mean the most to you
In case you go and leave me in the dirt

And every time you hurt me, the less that I cry
And every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry
And every time you walk out, the less I love you
Baby, we don't stand a chance, it's sad but it's true

Sunday, November 19, 2017

Big Apple Slut

I meant to write sooner but a major development in my career has gone and things are looking up. But this post is not about that. Nor anything emotional like my previous posts. This is going to be purely for libog's sake. Just so that I remember this day since the memory is slipping away. This was from one of my travels before.

I had a day in new york. A day. Just one day to do all my shopping for pasalubong since I'm going home the following day. But I just can't stop wondering if I'll be able to get some action before I leave. And a-c-t-i-o-n was what I got.

So it's a Sunday... and Sunday's in New York means i can do NYJ (see post on International Explosion). Yes, by no means does it compare to the experiences others do. But i have my reasons. I digress. More on that later.

So I'm using this Grindr-like app. And then suddenly, this asian dude suddenly tells me his place is free for the next hour. Can't believe it. Tall, with awesome body (abs, arms, and defined chest. not too big, but perfectly toned. body's not too hard, either. so it was nice to touch, hug, lick and do all sorts of stuff). Mixed Thai-American.

I got to his place. He lived right at midtown. Lucky dude. Damn cute. Hot. So with all my layers of jacket, backpack and shopping bags (hahaha i hope he forgives me, i was not prepared lol). But yeah. he started undressing me, as i undressed him. All i could say about his body was.. shit. Just the perfect kind I want. We kissed. He was really into me. Licking every part. EVERY PART. And yeah it was fun. Chatted for a bit while he got ready to go to the gym. As we went out of his condo, I leaned for a kiss. and we did. and then he said "You're in New York! We can kiss on the streets". I just laughed. So then we walked. Me towards 5th Ave to continue my pasalubong shopping, him towards the same direction. And after two blocks, he said he needed to catch a bus. So we hugged, and he kissed my right there on the street. Fuck. That was exciting.

Continued my shopping. And by around 530, headed to THE place. I wasnt expecting much now since im late (it starts at 4). And the action was full on. Groups and groups of people of all shapes and sizes and color. Some *new things I saw and got to play with during the "trip":
1. bukkake. imagine someone like Ben Bateman sitting or kneeling. with two guys playing with him on each side. him playing with several other more. wanting to receive every guy who cums in front of him. hot.
2. fit daddies. imagine Tomas Brand. the thing i like with this is that you can touch anyone. and it's up to them if they want to grope back or just let you be. and you can turn down people politely. unlike in bath houses.

then i saw MM. and he saw me. He looks like your typical surfer dude, in his late 20s or early 30s. my height. great hair. and damn those abs. so i smiled. he smiled back. we got closer. and kissed. kissed like theres no tomorrow. kissed like lovers. long time lovers.

and so i felt him up. he felt me up. we broke the kiss. but our noses and foreheads still stuck together. smiling. "you're cute". "you are too". smiled again. so when i reached down. fuck. f - u - c - k. FUCK. tang ina. this must be the largest, longest, thickest dick ive ever played with. my fingers dont reach as i grab it. two hands arent enough for its length. and damn was it smooth. fuck. i could not stop touching. and stroking. and being amazed. and unlike other big dicks, it was hard.

i wasnt even thinking what he must be thinking playing with mine. hahaha. i was enjoying too much to care. but he's still smiling. and kissing me. and playing with mine.

played with his balls. secretly played with his hole (it's not allowed in this environment). and our faces couldnt be separated. he pulled me to a corner so that we can be left alone. it was a mix of libog and kilig. people would try to join us. we would politely decline. or make sure our bodies are close together. or our arms around each other so no one can join.

whenever we transferred places, either to get lube or to go away from persistent parties, he'd hold my hand. leading me to wherever. i did the same. only to play again. sometimes, if a hot one comes along, we'd let them play with us. so there were three-way kisses. and maybe fourways. but he wouldnt let go of my dick. always. and i wouldnt let go of his body.

others would cum while playing with us. we'd go to the sink to wash it off. damn. this was hot. so finally he wants me to cum. i asked where. he told me to cum on his abs. fuck. we washed together again. then he tells me he wants it slow. and he wants to cum on my body too. we washed again. laughing. smiling. kissing.

then it was time for us to bid goodbyes. we both got dressed. we walked. and talked.. about Manila, and broadway, and lotteries, etc. was wholesome. his name was Mike. We walked maybe 4 blocks. he walked me to my hotel (fuck having a room mate!!). i walked him to the Penn Station. he gave me his whatsapp. hugged and kissed on the street (thats twice today huh). but this was one hell of a hot time. and no sucking nor fucking was even involved. what more?!

so i went home. took a bath. had dinner with my roommate. pretended that nothing interesting happened during the day. but my after-sex glow must be showing. lol.

Monday, March 6, 2017

Counting to Fifteen

Being in the closet is hard af. And don't we all know that. Oftentimes, we are forced to hide behind some form of being 'normal' so that we can do the things we love. For example, why not go on a date with girl, so that I'll be able to hold someone's hand while walking, kiss someone on the shoulder while having coffee, watch date movies with someone, eat candle-lit dinners, attend weddings with, etc.

So to try being happy, i go out with guys. and how it has failed over and over again. and most of my blog posts are about that. and it's usually my way of coping that's why i write. the last relationship i had fucked me up big time. i havent been single for this long. and i dont know if ill be able to find another one.. who can sweep me off my feet.. and not settle only so that i just have someone around.

so i begin to date. no expectations. see where it goes. but i cant seem to find myself giving my best to maintain the relationship. i don't necessarily do things to fuck things up, but with the first sign i see something bad, all hope is lost. im now afraid to compromise, to exert much effort, to make a fool out of myself again... just to waste it on heartbreak after a while.

and one thing ive also noticed is that i say the word 'i love you' quite loosely nowadays. maybe i say it because the other says it. or to make them feel good. but it has lost all its meaning to me now. i still cant believe that you can say 'i love you' and then one fight, everything's gone. maybe it's pride. but maybe, it isn't really love.

so maybe that's just it.

maybe i should just date a girl.

and get married.

unless you come along and bring me out of misery. so im counting to fifteen, counting to fifteen, counting to fifteen.


The truth runs wild
Like a tear down a cheek
Trying to save face, and daddy heart break
I'm lying through my teeth
This voice inside
Has been eating at me
Trying to replace the love that I fake
With what we both need
The truth runs wild
Like kids on concrete
Trying to sedate, my mind in its cage
And numb what I see
Awake, wide eyed
I'm screaming at me
Trying to keep faith and picture his face
Staring up at me
Without losing a piece of me
How do I get to heaven?
Without changing a part of me
How do I get to heaven?
All my time is wasted
Feeling like my heart's mistaken, oh
So if I'm losing a piece of me
Maybe I don't want heaven?

Monday, January 2, 2017

Looking for My Zero.. or my Jude

I've been binge - watching this series called "Hit The Floor" during the holidays. It's basically a show about basketball, and cheerdancers, and all in between. There are more sex scenes than what you see in Grey's Anatomy. It's their way of saying 'i love you', 'i miss you', ' i care for you' or even just 'hey'. haha im not complaining though, the bodies on display are a treat. and the lies, alliances, and back stabbing would rival that of "Scandal" and any typical pinoy soap, without being overly dramatic (which i like, to be honest). keeps the story moving fast.

and.. to top it all off. there's a gay couple. which i became instantly a fan of. and how their story started, and developed, and how they became strong. what was nice was that they werent introduced as 'gay characters'. it just sort of happened. Zero (haha my next dog is going to be named Zero) - the good looking jock, and Jude - the boy-next-door agent. Jude always had Zero's back, as his agent. but i was quite surprised it came to that extent. to my delight, of course. Zero, was initially holding back (being in the closet), but had a what-the-fuck moment and kissed Jude in front of the cameras.

I can't help it but feel like i wish i had my own Zero. Having the cool guy attitude towards all of it, someone to tone down all the drama this world has, and make me feel safe with everything. And with that face and body to boot, seems awesome! Then i realize, im Zero. Im the one who cant go all out, and the one who wants to keep it hush hush. Im the one who wants to remain hidden, selfish enough for making my exes do it, and the one who has a who-gives-a-fuck attitude when it comes to relationships. Maybe i need a Jude and someone to push me whenever i need pushing. or even when i dont think i need to be pushed.

and then they have these lines... that in a weird way, seems sappy and sweet. haha

hay. one can only dream. and then make one's own story.

Friday, December 2, 2016

Spring Cleaning

So it's nearly the end of the year, and a big project that ive been doing for the past few years is coming to close. it is comforting that this chapter of my life is done, and i know that i did it well. but it's also scary.. with all the ups and downs my love life (or the lack of it..) has given me, this project is what sort of got me through. even during the times i was hurting, or sad and lonely, i knew that work was something i could depend on. and it will get me occupied throughout the day, being able to avoid hurting. but it is ending soon.

i took a break from work recently. and have started cleaning my place. throwing a lot of things i wont be needing anymore because of my project will be done in a few days. and ive been thinking, should i start cleaning up my life too? starting maybe with my phone and social media accounts. just get things out of the way. and hopefully, start anew.

ive tried dating. but no one seems able to sweep me off my feet entirely. ive found someone good in bed, good in dating, good conversationalist, good to travel with, etc. but not all in the same person. ive tried giving each a chance, but for some reason, it's just not working.

maybe ive been treating my love life like i treat my work. because ive gotten to a certain position at work, i can demand for certain things that i want. and anything less just wont cut it. and ive treated dating the same way. i feel like ive earned the right to demand for things from the other person. and anything less just wont cut it.

but is it really like that? have i really earned it? maybe that's the reason why im single. and i might be for a long time.